If you have a moment to spare...

First, don't read this.

No, seriously.

This is going to be boring, unnecessary, and totally out of place. There's no reason for anyone to ever read this.

Ever.

Even now, before I've written it, I know that any objective observer would call the upcoming article asinine, for reasons that will soon become painfully apparent.

Look at the title, for cryin' out loud.

This is your last chance to back out, you know.

I'm just going to remove any filter of common decency I may have had and type whatever comes to mind.

Still here?

I tried to warn you...

Here's where the post actually begins:



To start off with something I'm willing to bet no one's ever heard before in their lives, there's this girl.

A shocked silence fills the room.

Normally, this wouldn't be a problem, this being my affections for a young lass, but it's someone I talk to on a semi-regular basis. Let me explain it to you:

If it were a girl I saw every once in a while in the halls of my school, for example, it would be somewhat easier. Instead of awkwardly trying to initiate conversations after the classes I have with her, more on that in a bit, I could simply use my considerable charm. Something like, "Hey, how's Lynn? What? You don't know Lynn? Oh, I'm sorry, you look like Lynn's friend from Chicago. Let me make it up to you by buying you a cup of coffee."

Yes, my school has a coffee shop. But that's another post entirely.

[Props if you can identify where I stole that line from.]

But, the snag is, I have fallen for someone I am lucky to consider a friend. And yes, as I just mentioned, I'm awkward around her.

Me.

Maybe you don't understand.

I...

Well, it's hard to put into words...

Let's see.

Oh, I know how to express how I usually act around those of the fairer sex:

Which isn't to say that I hit on them, or that I'm a flirt by any means, I just am usually cool.

The definition of icy, to quote Smashmouth.

To put it frankly, I, usually, can behave in a socially-accepted way.

Not around this girl.

Tongue tied, sweaty palms, the whole nine yards.

If it weren't happening to me directly, I would find it fascinating.

How can the presence of a particularly indescribable, remarkable human being flip my personality so? It's not as though there aren't several young ladies of my acquaintance who are almost as lovely and almost as radiant, almost as...

Wait, I lapsed into verse there for a second. That's not a bad idea for a poem, actually, I'll write that once I'm done with this.

And if you're reading this and you know me, and haven't noticed anything like what I'm talking about in my behavior, rest assured, it takes every last ounce of my considerable self-control to appear normal.

Well, as normal as I ever am, anyway.

Here's my problem:

Actually, one of my problems, I don't have nearly enough time to list them all.

Here's my current problem:

This inconvenient...emotion, italics here symbolizing distaste for the word itself, not the feeling, that I somehow find to be a good thing, go figure, this emotion has affected my logical decisions. No, I don't want to be a Vulcan or anything, but let me give you an example: I once gave up a lunch, a good lunch, just so I could have the privilege of walking with her to a test she had to take. Me, giving up a lunch!

And I'm not saying that I regret it, on the contrary, that walk was one of the three best walks I've ever had. (Guess who was involved somehow in the other two?) I'm not saying I regret it, I'd make the same decision a thousand times over if given the opportunity, I'm saying it's strange that I don't regret it.

Of course, retrospectively, it would be pretty silly to regret missing a lunch. The fact that I usually do regret it whenever I miss a meal is beside the point.

I had a point here somewhere...

Oh, yeah.

I've been debating with myself about whether or not I should contrive some way to get all this out in the open somehow.

No, not over a blog...I mean finding some way to tell the unfortunate girl who has attracted my attention.

If I do inform her, and she reciprocates, I couldn't be happier, but...

But...

But what if she doesn't feel the same?

I'm certain, either way, she'll be cool about it, but if she doesn't want a relationship with me, I, and this is very hard for me to say, I don't know what to do.

It seems as though the noble thing would be to respect her wishes, simply back off. I wouldn't get exactly what I want, but if it makes her happy, I'd be all for it.

Oh. I just reread that last part, "get exactly what I want," and that could be way misconstrued. I don't like this girl for her looks, although she is quite beautiful, I like her for the indescribable qualities not mentioned above. To put it as best as I can, I like making her laugh.

That's what I want, really.

As many chances to make her laugh as possible.

[Hey, maybe the pathetic nature of this post will make her laugh! Ha ha ha...oh, I made myself sad.]

[Seriously, though, she is far too astoundingly nice to laugh at anyone.]

[Why am I defending someone you don't know the identity of?]

But if I do "back off" as outlined above, I'm not entirely sure I could live with myself. Would I be able to pass the days, thinking "it might have been?"

[You know, I'm witty, but John Greenleaf was Whittier.]

Then again, if she doesn't care about me as deeply as much as I do her, do I have the right to change her mind? Do I have the right to convince her just how amazing I am?

These are the questions that keep me up at night, man.

Well, goodnight.

[Told you it was a waste of time.]