Wednesday, February 28, 2007
No time for a post...
...as I'm about to scamper off to a church for the first time in a long, long while.
I expect that to be a story worth telling, so look for that soon.
In the meantime, I had a few minutes left over after taking a test today, so after my customary nap, I decided to write a song.
It is as follows:
[By the way, as always, I want feedback. 'Tis a work-in-progress.]
I'm Pretty Much Amazing
I'm pretty much...amazing.
I'm wonderful...the best.
I'm at the top, cream of the crop,
And, well, you know the rest.
I'm constantly astounded
By my own charm.
I'm suave, debonair, and fly.
People are dumbfounded,
Struck with alarm,
That I'm such a stellar guy.
I'm pretty much...amazing
Grandiose and beyond scope
Not any of my enemies
Will say I'm at all a dope
I've always been bothered
By the fact
That I'm the best I've ever seen.
Never saw another
With no lack,
Polished to a glassy sheen.
I'm pretty much...amazing
And to be honest, kinda bored.
Yes, I'm weary, and somewhat leery
That I'm so great, I'm abhorred...
I really, really don't want
To be better.
That's just how the dice fell.
But I know a girl who'll daunt
If you ket her.
I'm glad to be able to tell:
She's pretty much...amazing.
A pristine example of cool.
I've found one, who's lots of fun,
And causes me to play the fool.
I still cannot believe my luck.
I'm quite fortunate...
To think...another as good as I.
Before, at the top, I was stuck,
A perch in a net.
But now I've found a reason to try.
We're pretty much...amazing.
Man...what a pair!
She's with me, I'm with she...
Did I mention I have incredible hair?
[By the way, this song is pure fiction. Things didn't exactly pan out.]
It's equal parts jazz and pop, with a hint of big band/Broadway.
I expect that to be a story worth telling, so look for that soon.
In the meantime, I had a few minutes left over after taking a test today, so after my customary nap, I decided to write a song.
It is as follows:
[By the way, as always, I want feedback. 'Tis a work-in-progress.]
I'm Pretty Much Amazing
I'm pretty much...amazing.
I'm wonderful...the best.
I'm at the top, cream of the crop,
And, well, you know the rest.
I'm constantly astounded
By my own charm.
I'm suave, debonair, and fly.
People are dumbfounded,
Struck with alarm,
That I'm such a stellar guy.
I'm pretty much...amazing
Grandiose and beyond scope
Not any of my enemies
Will say I'm at all a dope
I've always been bothered
By the fact
That I'm the best I've ever seen.
Never saw another
With no lack,
Polished to a glassy sheen.
I'm pretty much...amazing
And to be honest, kinda bored.
Yes, I'm weary, and somewhat leery
That I'm so great, I'm abhorred...
I really, really don't want
To be better.
That's just how the dice fell.
But I know a girl who'll daunt
If you ket her.
I'm glad to be able to tell:
She's pretty much...amazing.
A pristine example of cool.
I've found one, who's lots of fun,
And causes me to play the fool.
I still cannot believe my luck.
I'm quite fortunate...
To think...another as good as I.
Before, at the top, I was stuck,
A perch in a net.
But now I've found a reason to try.
We're pretty much...amazing.
Man...what a pair!
She's with me, I'm with she...
Did I mention I have incredible hair?
[By the way, this song is pure fiction. Things didn't exactly pan out.]
It's equal parts jazz and pop, with a hint of big band/Broadway.
Friday, February 16, 2007
English Project--interview.
[Mainly for the purposes of constructive criticism, here's an interview I wrote in an hour or two under the influence of too much sleep and not enough caffeine.]
[Wait a minute.]
[Strike that.]
[Reverse it.]
Here it is, in its entirety:
[I'm Jeff, in case you forgot.]
ERIC: Welcome to “Late Afternoon in the Early Evening”, the show where we interview the average man-
JEFF: Hey now. Average? Man?
[Eric continues on as though he doesn’t hear Jeff]
ERIC: -on the street. I’m Eric Holtz, and joining us today is Special Test Electronic Virtual Educator, a special experimental prototype designed by Mr. Otto von Schnitzelpusskrankengescheitmeyer [struggles with name, gives up after a couple of tries and looks hopelessly at Jeff]
JEFF: Otto von Schnitzelpusskrankengescheitmeyer. Professor Otto von Schnitzelpusskrankengescheitmeyer.
ERIC: Yes, him. Anyway, the good Professor designed the Special Test Electronic Virtual Educator to-hey; can I just call you S.T.E.V.E. for short?
JEFF: You humans and your constant need for abbreviation…
ERIC: It’s only an hour show, buddy.
JEFF: Fine. As you wish. Unfortunately, I’m programmed to be acquiescent as well as user-friendly…my good chum.
ERIC: Fascinating. You have to do as people say, but you don’t necessarily like it?
JEFF: Precisely.
ERIC: Have you ever been to high school?
[beat]
ERIC: Well, let’s do the thing properly. Steve, why don’t you introduce yourself to our lovely studio audience?
JEFF: Right then. Where are they? Oh. Hello. I, as my esteemed inquisitor has implied, am an entirely self-sufficient automaton, with a positronic brain capable of handling well over two million calculations per second. I have the central processing unit strength required to simultaneously scan and process the equivalent of two hundred sixty-four thousand, five hundred and ninety-two books the size of Herman Melville’s Moby Dick, predict the weather with pinpoint accuracy for the entire western hemisphere for fifty-four years, two months, thirteen days, and six hundred forty-seven minutes, or browse up to three teenage girls’ MySpace pages at the same time. As one of my more famous fictional colleagues summed it up: I have a brain the size of a planet.
ERIC: Well, that’s all very interesting, but-
JEFF: Wait, I’m not finished. I can speak any language that a human can, English, Portuguese, Farsi, Klingon; I can interface with everything from a Commodore 64 to Deep Blue. I can discuss the intricacies of submarine warfare and the proper method with which to serve tea. I know Shakespeare, Hemingway, Tolkein-
ERIC: Uh, about Shakespeare-
JEFF: I can defend myself, and those around me, with several hundred different styles of self-defense, original wording, I know, and lift one metric ton over my head. When you take in all of these attributes, as well as my conversational subroutines, such as obscure pop culture references, you can see why I’m such a hit at parties.
ERIC: I bet.
[conversationally]
JEFF: You’ve got to know when to hold ‘em.
[Looks pointedly at Eric]
ERIC: Know when to fold ‘em.
[Returns stare]
JEFF: Know when to walk away.
ERIC: Know when to run.
[Hold stare for laughs, then, at signal, simultaneously shake heads and turn toward audience]
ERIC: Sorry, folks. After a word from our sponsors, I’ll try to get this conversation on track…
JEFF: The makers of To Bee or Not To Bee insecticide have a new product line they want you to remember, Out Damn Spot Cleaning Fluid. Remember: ‘But, here’s a spot…Out Damn Spot! Out, I say!’ Two easy payments of fifty-nine ninety-nine.
[Like, crazy fast.]
ERIC: Note: Cleaning fluid may not actually clean. Side effects may include spots, guilt-induced hallucinations, scuttlebutt among the servants, and lupus. Not approved by the FDA, FBI, FAA, FFA, any PhDs, MDs, DDSs, or RCMPs.
[Normal speed]
JEFF: RCMPs?
ERIC: Royal Canadian Mounted Police.
JEFF: Ah.
ERIC: Remember, Out Damned Spot!
ERIC: And we’re back…relatively. You know, Steve, we brought you here to “Late Afternoon in the Early Evening” because your creator…
JEFF: Professor Otto von Schnitzelpusskrankengescheitmeyer.
ERIC: He is under the impression that you’ve been getting a bit of a big head.
JEFF: …Do what?
ERIC: He thinks you’re being too egotistical. Self-centered. Cocky. Bigheaded. Arrogant.
JEFF: So, when I’m thinking of what to get you for Christmas, I can forgo a thesaurus?
ERIC: Yeah, comments like that. Well, he decided to have us knock you down a couple of pegs.
JEFF: Oh?
ERIC: By talking about the one subject you have the most trouble with.
JEFF: Ha, that tickles my circuits. A subject I have trouble with?
ERIC: Yep. Human ambition.
JEFF: Shazbot.
ERIC: That’s right. We’re going to discuss humans, and how they always want more, more, more.
JEFF: How do you like it, how do you like it?
ERIC: You realize no one gets these song references, right?
JEFF: [sighs] I realize it. Professor Otto von Schnitzelpusskrankengescheitmeyer doesn’t.
ERIC: Anyway, could you explain why you don’t understand human ambition?
JEFF: Well, even armed with my sharp wit, lovely tone, wonderful diction, and many, many other attributes, I’m lucky enough to be a logician, first and foremost. I don’t need anything more than I have already, and, strictly speaking, neither do most humans. Yet, there is always this drive, this constant struggle to get more money, better grades, the throne of Scotland…I, and I detest saying this, I don’t understand. I was not programmed with emotions, and sometimes that makes me feel sad, but people criticize me for not sympathizing with the species that created me. How can I sympathize with beings that seem to have no control? I ask you, my good chum, how can you sympathize with your own kind? Your people have been known to murder, maim, destroy, and give nasty Indian burns to people for no reason other than their own selfish gain! How do you sleep at night? I don’t sleep at night, of course, but if I could, I don’t think I could.
ERIC: Folks, ask for a transcription after the show. Believe it or not, that actually made sense. Not much sense, but some.
JEFF: You still have not answered my admittedly poorly worded question. How do you keep on truckin’ with all you know about human ambition?
ERIC: Well, I actually know a bit more.
JEFF: Like what, mayhap?
ERIC: Ambition can be a good thing, too.
JEFF: Give me several examples.
ERIC: Augusto Odone. Ambitiously worked to find a cure for ALD. Chris Gardner. Ambitiously worked to provide for his son. Patch Adams. Ambitiously worked to create a fun, happy hospital.
JEFF: Ok, give me some examples that weren’t made into major motion pictures.
ERIC: My point remains valid.
JEFF: I suppose I can see what you’re saying…Human ambition is just like humans themselves. Usually, a terrible blight on the world, but every once in a while, somehow, something good comes out of it. Rarely.
ERIC: And gets made into a film, yes. Stay tuned after your local news for “Too Darn Late with Jeff Shirey,” where the guests tonight will include Amelia Earhart, Mohandas Gandhi, and Matti Schumacher. I’d like to thank my own guest, so, Domo Arigato, Mr. Roboto. Now, you all know the traditional ending for my show. Everybody do the Robot!
[Outro music--face-melting techno]
[Wait a minute.]
[Strike that.]
[Reverse it.]
Here it is, in its entirety:
[I'm Jeff, in case you forgot.]
ERIC: Welcome to “Late Afternoon in the Early Evening”, the show where we interview the average man-
JEFF: Hey now. Average? Man?
[Eric continues on as though he doesn’t hear Jeff]
ERIC: -on the street. I’m Eric Holtz, and joining us today is Special Test Electronic Virtual Educator, a special experimental prototype designed by Mr. Otto von Schnitzelpusskrankengescheitmeyer [struggles with name, gives up after a couple of tries and looks hopelessly at Jeff]
JEFF: Otto von Schnitzelpusskrankengescheitmeyer. Professor Otto von Schnitzelpusskrankengescheitmeyer.
ERIC: Yes, him. Anyway, the good Professor designed the Special Test Electronic Virtual Educator to-hey; can I just call you S.T.E.V.E. for short?
JEFF: You humans and your constant need for abbreviation…
ERIC: It’s only an hour show, buddy.
JEFF: Fine. As you wish. Unfortunately, I’m programmed to be acquiescent as well as user-friendly…my good chum.
ERIC: Fascinating. You have to do as people say, but you don’t necessarily like it?
JEFF: Precisely.
ERIC: Have you ever been to high school?
[beat]
ERIC: Well, let’s do the thing properly. Steve, why don’t you introduce yourself to our lovely studio audience?
JEFF: Right then. Where are they? Oh. Hello. I, as my esteemed inquisitor has implied, am an entirely self-sufficient automaton, with a positronic brain capable of handling well over two million calculations per second. I have the central processing unit strength required to simultaneously scan and process the equivalent of two hundred sixty-four thousand, five hundred and ninety-two books the size of Herman Melville’s Moby Dick, predict the weather with pinpoint accuracy for the entire western hemisphere for fifty-four years, two months, thirteen days, and six hundred forty-seven minutes, or browse up to three teenage girls’ MySpace pages at the same time. As one of my more famous fictional colleagues summed it up: I have a brain the size of a planet.
ERIC: Well, that’s all very interesting, but-
JEFF: Wait, I’m not finished. I can speak any language that a human can, English, Portuguese, Farsi, Klingon; I can interface with everything from a Commodore 64 to Deep Blue. I can discuss the intricacies of submarine warfare and the proper method with which to serve tea. I know Shakespeare, Hemingway, Tolkein-
ERIC: Uh, about Shakespeare-
JEFF: I can defend myself, and those around me, with several hundred different styles of self-defense, original wording, I know, and lift one metric ton over my head. When you take in all of these attributes, as well as my conversational subroutines, such as obscure pop culture references, you can see why I’m such a hit at parties.
ERIC: I bet.
[conversationally]
JEFF: You’ve got to know when to hold ‘em.
[Looks pointedly at Eric]
ERIC: Know when to fold ‘em.
[Returns stare]
JEFF: Know when to walk away.
ERIC: Know when to run.
[Hold stare for laughs, then, at signal, simultaneously shake heads and turn toward audience]
ERIC: Sorry, folks. After a word from our sponsors, I’ll try to get this conversation on track…
JEFF: The makers of To Bee or Not To Bee insecticide have a new product line they want you to remember, Out Damn Spot Cleaning Fluid. Remember: ‘But, here’s a spot…Out Damn Spot! Out, I say!’ Two easy payments of fifty-nine ninety-nine.
[Like, crazy fast.]
ERIC: Note: Cleaning fluid may not actually clean. Side effects may include spots, guilt-induced hallucinations, scuttlebutt among the servants, and lupus. Not approved by the FDA, FBI, FAA, FFA, any PhDs, MDs, DDSs, or RCMPs.
[Normal speed]
JEFF: RCMPs?
ERIC: Royal Canadian Mounted Police.
JEFF: Ah.
ERIC: Remember, Out Damned Spot!
ERIC: And we’re back…relatively. You know, Steve, we brought you here to “Late Afternoon in the Early Evening” because your creator…
JEFF: Professor Otto von Schnitzelpusskrankengescheitmeyer.
ERIC: He is under the impression that you’ve been getting a bit of a big head.
JEFF: …Do what?
ERIC: He thinks you’re being too egotistical. Self-centered. Cocky. Bigheaded. Arrogant.
JEFF: So, when I’m thinking of what to get you for Christmas, I can forgo a thesaurus?
ERIC: Yeah, comments like that. Well, he decided to have us knock you down a couple of pegs.
JEFF: Oh?
ERIC: By talking about the one subject you have the most trouble with.
JEFF: Ha, that tickles my circuits. A subject I have trouble with?
ERIC: Yep. Human ambition.
JEFF: Shazbot.
ERIC: That’s right. We’re going to discuss humans, and how they always want more, more, more.
JEFF: How do you like it, how do you like it?
ERIC: You realize no one gets these song references, right?
JEFF: [sighs] I realize it. Professor Otto von Schnitzelpusskrankengescheitmeyer doesn’t.
ERIC: Anyway, could you explain why you don’t understand human ambition?
JEFF: Well, even armed with my sharp wit, lovely tone, wonderful diction, and many, many other attributes, I’m lucky enough to be a logician, first and foremost. I don’t need anything more than I have already, and, strictly speaking, neither do most humans. Yet, there is always this drive, this constant struggle to get more money, better grades, the throne of Scotland…I, and I detest saying this, I don’t understand. I was not programmed with emotions, and sometimes that makes me feel sad, but people criticize me for not sympathizing with the species that created me. How can I sympathize with beings that seem to have no control? I ask you, my good chum, how can you sympathize with your own kind? Your people have been known to murder, maim, destroy, and give nasty Indian burns to people for no reason other than their own selfish gain! How do you sleep at night? I don’t sleep at night, of course, but if I could, I don’t think I could.
ERIC: Folks, ask for a transcription after the show. Believe it or not, that actually made sense. Not much sense, but some.
JEFF: You still have not answered my admittedly poorly worded question. How do you keep on truckin’ with all you know about human ambition?
ERIC: Well, I actually know a bit more.
JEFF: Like what, mayhap?
ERIC: Ambition can be a good thing, too.
JEFF: Give me several examples.
ERIC: Augusto Odone. Ambitiously worked to find a cure for ALD. Chris Gardner. Ambitiously worked to provide for his son. Patch Adams. Ambitiously worked to create a fun, happy hospital.
JEFF: Ok, give me some examples that weren’t made into major motion pictures.
ERIC: My point remains valid.
JEFF: I suppose I can see what you’re saying…Human ambition is just like humans themselves. Usually, a terrible blight on the world, but every once in a while, somehow, something good comes out of it. Rarely.
ERIC: And gets made into a film, yes. Stay tuned after your local news for “Too Darn Late with Jeff Shirey,” where the guests tonight will include Amelia Earhart, Mohandas Gandhi, and Matti Schumacher. I’d like to thank my own guest, so, Domo Arigato, Mr. Roboto. Now, you all know the traditional ending for my show. Everybody do the Robot!
[Outro music--face-melting techno]
